I'm all for taking on challenges that put or push me outside my comfort zone. It has been my experience that when I do this, I am able to tackle and finish projects that have me stuck or stumped at the moment. I've also found that taking a risk and doing something totally out of character builds confidence.
Writing is one such challenge. Once I finished the first draft of my novel, I had no idea how much out of my comfort zone I'd go. Writing a book is one long, lonely road which requires strength of character, persistence and patience of which I didn't have a lot of when I began. I was absent the day God handed out extra patience.
I believe that putting ourselves out there in new situations can help us in ways that we never expected or dreamed of. For example, I wrote my first novel, A Decent Woman, in six months. The first draft came quickly to me and then, years of rewriting and editing as I was new at writing novels. I learned as I went along, read books on writing and storytelling and always kept reading books by favorite and new authors. I didn't always really know what I was doing, but I plugged along and soon I had a copy of my manuscript I was happy with. I was in a great rhythm and very pleased with myself. I was proud of finishing a book!
Soon, it came time to query agents. Now, I was in a world I knew nothing about. I hemmed and hawed, read through books on the subjects of marketing and publishing books, but still I couldn't see the next concrete step. That was when I lost a bit of self-confidence. Now what? Was I stuck? Was I blocked or was it a case of never seeing my book in print? I couldn't let that happen. I had too many books to write to just lay down the manuscript and forget about it.
Right about that time, a friend called to invite me to her theatrical performance of The Vagina Monologues. I invited ten friends who were doing The Artist's Way with me at the time and we had a wonderful time. After the performance, we hung around to congratulate our friend who'd done a monologue theater piece the year before. She told me that her theater group was holding auditions for a comedy to be performed in the fall and she urged me to audition. Me? No way. I'd performed in high school and had a bit part in a college production, but I was a writer and an artist, not an actor.
My friend bugged me until I accepted the challenge. I was scared to death. As I stood there among veteran actors, I just knew I was in the wrong place. What had I been thinking? This was a joke. I had a fear of speaking in public. I'd given talks on subjects I knew a lot about in school, but this was entirely out of my comfort zone. So, I pushed past my fear and since I was already in the theater and would have looked like a baby if I walked out, I went through with the audition process. Well, the audition was a blast. We read lines in funny voices and foreign accents and at the end, my sides hurt from laughing so much. I made new friends and although I didn't get one of three parts for women, I had a great time and learned a lot about myself--I can do comedy.
I came home that night with renewed strength, pride and new-found courage. Things always look worse and harder until we actually do them. The unknown is sometimes scary, but looking back, we realize that the things we feared weren't all that bad. I began querying agents the next morning.
So, say yes to new challenges, you just might surprise yourself.
Peace and love,
Ellie
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Thursday, June 6, 2013
The Strange Thing About Arriving At Your Final Destination
As I prepare to read my novel, A Decent Woman, aloud for what I hope will be the final time in the editing phase, I realize that I feel like I did when my children and I were one town over from the end of our two-week walk to Santiago de Compostela, Spain, the final resting place of Saint James.
We were so close to finishing El Camino, the medieval pilgrimage walk, and I remember it it was near sunset. My feet and heels had blisters the size of quarters. My kids and I were exhausted, mentally and physically exhausted from getting up at dawn and donning 20 lb backpacks and walking 20-22 miles a day in the Spanish summer sun until near sunset. Together, we'd walked 370 kilometers.
During our walk, I'd had visions of my kids and I running into town, our destination. I'd say that we'd yell in celebration when we entered the town, hug and kiss each other, but as we stood on the hill with Santiago de Compostela in the distance that evening, I changed my mind. It didn't feel right to walk the mere 10 final miles for some reason. I trusted my gut as I'd done when I decided to walk El Camino and drag my teenage children with me. I'd learned to trust my gut more and more on the walk and I've never deviated from those life lessons learned on our walk--our personal caminos. My kids agreed to wait.
I remember my children and I were silent as we looked down the hill at our destination. We were lost in our own thoughts about the walk and how it had all come about. At times, we hadn't believed that we could finish the arduous walk as we walked down country roads, through villages, trekked beside highways, and hiked up hills and mountains. My kids worried that I couldn't finish because of my blistered feet and I worried that my children would chuck it all aside and demand to go home. But, we hadn't given up. Home seemed so far away on that late afternoon, and crazy as it might sound, we realized that we didn't want our walk to end.
When we finally spoke, my kids and I expressed a desire to savor the moment. It hadn't been all that bad, had it? Yes, it had! We laughed and decided to enjoy a great meal, get a good night's sleep and enter the city fresh and clear in the early morning. I had dreamed of walking El Camino for years and here it was--the end. So close and yet, I wanted to wait.
Waiting to enter Santiago de Compostela was the best decision EVER. That evening, we had dinner with fellow peregrinos, pilgrims who had walked El Camino from various starting points around the world. Some of our new friends, all pilgrims had walked the entire Camino from France to the village we found ourselves in the night before the end and others had begun in Holland, Germany, Belgium like us, and we'd all heard the story of the 80 year old woman who'd walked our her front door in England, took the ferry from Dover to Calais, France and finished the walk. Others began their journeys in the US, Portugal, France and as far away as Japan.
There are many paths that lead to Santiago de Compostela. We'd all taken the path that made sense to us or the path that we found ourselves on at the time. During dinner we discovered the various reasons we'd decided to walk El Camino and the reasons were amazing to hear. There are as many reasons to walk as there are stars in the sky.
I'm glad that my children and I took the time to process our walk. We needed to process. And, as it turned out, we took two days. We loved the albergue, hostel, where we found ourselves and we enjoyed the pilgrims we came into contact with. It was clear that my kids and I needed to be alone with our thoughts and we needed to laugh about the things that had happened along our camino.
My kids and I shared many laughs and stories with each other that night and there were tears, as well. Our lives had changed so much in two weeks and we knew we were different people. We also knew that when we returned to Brussels, the lives we knew would be different. My husband and I had just separated and my kids and I were heading back to the US after 13 years of living overseas.
My children and I had always been close, but walking El Camino with my precious children, when we were hurting, confused, and doubting a good future, was the best experience of our lives. I will never forget walking into Santiago de Compostela with my kids. We were overjoyed, hugely relieved, tired and we'd grown by leaps and bounds. I'm amazed we survived that walk and then again, I knew we'd reach the end.
This morning, I remember the night before we entered Santiago de Compostela because my novel is finished. I've sent out new queries and I want to be alone with my book for the day. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and with my last reread (aloud), I'm savoring every word. I remember when I started this book and where I was in my life. So much has happened to my children and I over the last few years. Some days have been difficult for us, but we're happy and healthy today.
Of course, I've already starting writing that book! I'm going through the journal I kept on the Camino, gazing at our photographs taken during the walk, and remembering how it felt to begin a journey and to come to the end. I'm in awe of what we accomplished and I marvel at our resilience, courage and strong bond of love.
Today, I'm going to savor the moment because I'll never write my first book again. It's been quite a journey.
Peace and love to you,
Ellie
We were so close to finishing El Camino, the medieval pilgrimage walk, and I remember it it was near sunset. My feet and heels had blisters the size of quarters. My kids and I were exhausted, mentally and physically exhausted from getting up at dawn and donning 20 lb backpacks and walking 20-22 miles a day in the Spanish summer sun until near sunset. Together, we'd walked 370 kilometers.
During our walk, I'd had visions of my kids and I running into town, our destination. I'd say that we'd yell in celebration when we entered the town, hug and kiss each other, but as we stood on the hill with Santiago de Compostela in the distance that evening, I changed my mind. It didn't feel right to walk the mere 10 final miles for some reason. I trusted my gut as I'd done when I decided to walk El Camino and drag my teenage children with me. I'd learned to trust my gut more and more on the walk and I've never deviated from those life lessons learned on our walk--our personal caminos. My kids agreed to wait.
I remember my children and I were silent as we looked down the hill at our destination. We were lost in our own thoughts about the walk and how it had all come about. At times, we hadn't believed that we could finish the arduous walk as we walked down country roads, through villages, trekked beside highways, and hiked up hills and mountains. My kids worried that I couldn't finish because of my blistered feet and I worried that my children would chuck it all aside and demand to go home. But, we hadn't given up. Home seemed so far away on that late afternoon, and crazy as it might sound, we realized that we didn't want our walk to end.
When we finally spoke, my kids and I expressed a desire to savor the moment. It hadn't been all that bad, had it? Yes, it had! We laughed and decided to enjoy a great meal, get a good night's sleep and enter the city fresh and clear in the early morning. I had dreamed of walking El Camino for years and here it was--the end. So close and yet, I wanted to wait.
Waiting to enter Santiago de Compostela was the best decision EVER. That evening, we had dinner with fellow peregrinos, pilgrims who had walked El Camino from various starting points around the world. Some of our new friends, all pilgrims had walked the entire Camino from France to the village we found ourselves in the night before the end and others had begun in Holland, Germany, Belgium like us, and we'd all heard the story of the 80 year old woman who'd walked our her front door in England, took the ferry from Dover to Calais, France and finished the walk. Others began their journeys in the US, Portugal, France and as far away as Japan.
There are many paths that lead to Santiago de Compostela. We'd all taken the path that made sense to us or the path that we found ourselves on at the time. During dinner we discovered the various reasons we'd decided to walk El Camino and the reasons were amazing to hear. There are as many reasons to walk as there are stars in the sky.
I'm glad that my children and I took the time to process our walk. We needed to process. And, as it turned out, we took two days. We loved the albergue, hostel, where we found ourselves and we enjoyed the pilgrims we came into contact with. It was clear that my kids and I needed to be alone with our thoughts and we needed to laugh about the things that had happened along our camino.
My kids and I shared many laughs and stories with each other that night and there were tears, as well. Our lives had changed so much in two weeks and we knew we were different people. We also knew that when we returned to Brussels, the lives we knew would be different. My husband and I had just separated and my kids and I were heading back to the US after 13 years of living overseas.
My children and I had always been close, but walking El Camino with my precious children, when we were hurting, confused, and doubting a good future, was the best experience of our lives. I will never forget walking into Santiago de Compostela with my kids. We were overjoyed, hugely relieved, tired and we'd grown by leaps and bounds. I'm amazed we survived that walk and then again, I knew we'd reach the end.
This morning, I remember the night before we entered Santiago de Compostela because my novel is finished. I've sent out new queries and I want to be alone with my book for the day. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and with my last reread (aloud), I'm savoring every word. I remember when I started this book and where I was in my life. So much has happened to my children and I over the last few years. Some days have been difficult for us, but we're happy and healthy today.
Of course, I've already starting writing that book! I'm going through the journal I kept on the Camino, gazing at our photographs taken during the walk, and remembering how it felt to begin a journey and to come to the end. I'm in awe of what we accomplished and I marvel at our resilience, courage and strong bond of love.
Today, I'm going to savor the moment because I'll never write my first book again. It's been quite a journey.
Peace and love to you,
Ellie
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Yes, Patsy. I Must Be Crazy.
I'm tired. It's not even 9 o'clock in the morning and I already feel the need for a nap. My body isn't tired, but my mind is saturated with information gleaned from reading too many blog posts by agents, writers, and authors. I can't take anymore in.
This morning, I feel like the little mouse in the book, "Who Moved My Cheese?" My gut tells me that it's time to jump onto the self-publishing wagon, but my brain is telling me, "Wait. Just be patient. Do the work and then, think about all that." But then again, if I self-publish now, I could add that I have a published book in future query letters when I finished my second novel which is going quite well.
Is it time to move forward with an ebook or hang back, watching from the sidelines???
Am I going to miss the boat altogether by sticking to my novel and initial plan?
Do I have time to wait several more months to requery (is that a word?) and wait, wait and wait some more?
What to do?
I'm tired. My brain is tired and I need another cup of tea. I'm not tired of my novel, not by a long shot, but I AM tired of thinking about querying agents, researching Amazon's Kindle Direct Publishing and tired of thinking and reading about the publishing world as a whole. My mind just can't take in any more information! Done. I need someone to help me navigate this world of self-publishing. Yes, I do!
HOW can one writer do it all? How can a writer with a limited income (like me) hire a publicist, another editor and a company to help navigate the self-publishing world? I can't and according to the experts in those fields, I need one of each BEFORE my manuscript is online. Sheesh.
I just want to write. That's it. I want to write interesting, thought-provoking and fabulous novels, one after another, and have readers love my work. Is that nuts?
Why do I write? I write because I'm compelled to and can't seem to stop. I also write because I want readers to perhaps learn something, live in the world I create, and love the characters I love. Is that too much to ask? I love writing.
I miss simpler days when a writer wrote a novel and got published. Maybe it wasn't that easy, but if you managed to write and sell a novel, the publishing houses did it all for them. The author was simply charged with writing and handing in a manuscript that had been well edited. Not today. Okay, I'm whining now.
It's one crazy world, the world of the writer. I feel like a kid standing in front of a spinning carousel, waiting for a break in the momentum to hop on and enjoy the ride that I know will be awesome. I just need one agent. One agent who believes in me and my books.
Could someone slow down the world, please? I feel that if I don't hop onto the damn self-publishing carousel soon, it will all change by the time I'm ready! I worry that it won't be free, it will no longer be easy to self-publish, and everyone will be on the carousel but me. If I wait any longer, I might not have a spot and I won't get the carousel horse of my choice.
I don't know any more, but I'm glad I can write this out and sorry you have to witness this whiny blog post. Sigh, off to write now.
Is that Patsy Cline I hear singing? I hear the song "Crazy" playing somewhere on my street. Yes Patsy, I must be crazy to write, but I love it.
Peace and love,
Ellie
This morning, I feel like the little mouse in the book, "Who Moved My Cheese?" My gut tells me that it's time to jump onto the self-publishing wagon, but my brain is telling me, "Wait. Just be patient. Do the work and then, think about all that." But then again, if I self-publish now, I could add that I have a published book in future query letters when I finished my second novel which is going quite well.
Is it time to move forward with an ebook or hang back, watching from the sidelines???
Am I going to miss the boat altogether by sticking to my novel and initial plan?
Do I have time to wait several more months to requery (is that a word?) and wait, wait and wait some more?
What to do?
I'm tired. My brain is tired and I need another cup of tea. I'm not tired of my novel, not by a long shot, but I AM tired of thinking about querying agents, researching Amazon's Kindle Direct Publishing and tired of thinking and reading about the publishing world as a whole. My mind just can't take in any more information! Done. I need someone to help me navigate this world of self-publishing. Yes, I do!
HOW can one writer do it all? How can a writer with a limited income (like me) hire a publicist, another editor and a company to help navigate the self-publishing world? I can't and according to the experts in those fields, I need one of each BEFORE my manuscript is online. Sheesh.
I just want to write. That's it. I want to write interesting, thought-provoking and fabulous novels, one after another, and have readers love my work. Is that nuts?
Why do I write? I write because I'm compelled to and can't seem to stop. I also write because I want readers to perhaps learn something, live in the world I create, and love the characters I love. Is that too much to ask? I love writing.
I miss simpler days when a writer wrote a novel and got published. Maybe it wasn't that easy, but if you managed to write and sell a novel, the publishing houses did it all for them. The author was simply charged with writing and handing in a manuscript that had been well edited. Not today. Okay, I'm whining now.
It's one crazy world, the world of the writer. I feel like a kid standing in front of a spinning carousel, waiting for a break in the momentum to hop on and enjoy the ride that I know will be awesome. I just need one agent. One agent who believes in me and my books.
Could someone slow down the world, please? I feel that if I don't hop onto the damn self-publishing carousel soon, it will all change by the time I'm ready! I worry that it won't be free, it will no longer be easy to self-publish, and everyone will be on the carousel but me. If I wait any longer, I might not have a spot and I won't get the carousel horse of my choice.
I don't know any more, but I'm glad I can write this out and sorry you have to witness this whiny blog post. Sigh, off to write now.
Is that Patsy Cline I hear singing? I hear the song "Crazy" playing somewhere on my street. Yes Patsy, I must be crazy to write, but I love it.
Peace and love,
Ellie
Thursday, April 11, 2013
All Together Now!
I took this photo with my iPhone shortly after take off as we flew along the coast of Florida on my way to Washington, DC. I am amazed at these phones and how clear the photographs are. Gotta love modern technology!
I'm a nervous Nellie when it comes to flying. I've always been like that and I've flown all my life as an Army brat and former Army wife. You'd think I would get used to it, right? Not. You will find me sitting with my seat upright, tray table up, my cell phone on airplane mode, eyes shut, and I'll be the woman holding the arms of her seat with a death grip. I just never have gotten used to not being in control of my life. I don't enjoy giving my life to another person aka the pilot(s) for any amount of time. Hey, what if his wife just left him or his favorite dog passed away? What if she's decided to quit flying after this flight because she'd rather continue being a barfly? Then, what? Where would we be?? In the Atlantic Ocean if it happened on my flight.
When I board any plane, I always check over the pilot(s). I check for bloodshot eyes, shaky hands, and black circles under the eyes. I do! I could lie to your face here and now and say that I don't, but I damn well do :) As I walk down the aisles, hoping my carry-on doesn't bump someone's arm or head, I'm checking out all the passengers for terrorist(s). Who looks nervous, has shifty eyes and I even check out the grandma's because no one would suspect them. The perfect cover. When I take my seat, I look around for anyone who looks ill or ready to croak. I wonder if it's their last day on earth and we're all going down with him or her. Is it you or you, I wonder as I look over the passengers near my seat.
Yes, I'm a mess when I fly. The photo I took out of the window was taken when we were at cruising altitude, I think it was 32,000 feet and the seat belt sign was turned off. It is then that I can relax and stop reciting Mother Theresa's novena and put away my rosary beads. I've already prayed for my children, my family and friends and I've promised God that I will improve on those things that I don't do well at. Yes, I bargain with God, but He knows me well :)
I don't like not being in control of my life. I just don't. Last year, I flew five times and this year, I've already flown twice. I do it, but I don't like it. I hate connecting flights and will pay for a non-stop flight any time I can. Much like trying to find an agent or a publisher for my novel, I send out query after query, but I don't like it. I understand that's how it's done these days, but I don't have to like it. My publishing life is in the hands of so many other people and I'm not in control. I find that very annoying when I'm ready now! I've already begun writing novel #2 which I'm enjoying, but I sure would love to see novel #1 published before I finish.
On the flight home from FL, my sister and I were going home after visiting our father and his wife. I sat in the middle seat, my sister had the aisle seat and a lovely young woman sat by the window. When the turbulence hit (damn!), my sister and I linked arms. I chided myself for not drawing up a damn will before I left home! The young woman leaned forward and smiled at us and said, "I'm a nervous flyer, too." So, I did what any compassionate, scared out of my wits woman and mother would do - I took the young woman's arm and we linked arms. I didn't even ask her if she wanted to link arms! I just took her arm and we stayed just like that for about five minutes until the turbulence subsided. My sister screamed at one point during the rollercoaster ride through turbulence which surprised me and I could do nothing but laugh at her! I didn't know she was a nervous flyer, too! It made the moment lighter, but I did have to laugh at her. I didn't scream! I don't know who needed the hand holding more on that flight?
The young woman thanked me when we landed :) When I land an agent or a publisher, I'll thank them, too. It's nice to have someone in your corner, ready to hold your hand through the publishing process. Not that I need major hand holding, but it's a new business to me. It would be nice to have a champion on my side as the writer's life can be lonely and unforgiving and yes, at times, downright scary.
I've decided. I'm taking the Amtrak trains to any future book signings.
Peace and love to you,
Ellie
Monday, March 11, 2013
Feeling Stuck?
Are you feeling stuck? Do you need a shove out of your comfort zone? Are you impatiently waiting for an agent to email or call you about representation after asking for an exclusive and it's been long enough that you're considering self-publishing because you don't think you'll ever land an agent? Do you secretly fear that your book won't ever be in print? Oh, wait. That's about me. I'm waiting impatiently for a specific agent to get back to me and fear that my book won't ever be published. Back to you!
If you're stuck in a place where you don't know what the next thing to do is and you're afraid of doing something out of your comfort zone, may I suggest singing karaoke at a country bar? Piece of cake you say? Okay, let's up the ante. Let's have you sing a country song in a packed country bar after a country gentleman sang, "On The Pontoon" which is a real sing-along and favorite in my neck of the woods that nearly brought down the house. What do you say? Would you go on next if you'd only sung in public once in your entire life? Deal?
Well, that's exactly what happened to me on Saturday night. And, no...I didn't sign up and had no idea my friend had secretly signed me up to sing, "Crazy" by Patsy Cline. She knew I'd only every done karaoke once and I'd just finished saying that I had a fear of singing in public, no matter how friendly the crowd was. She asked me what song I would sing IF I had the chance and I answered Cline's song because I have a low voice.
The one time was when I sang backup or more to the point, I was comic relief for a girlfriend whose birthday we were celebrating at the river and only because we'd done a few tequila shots beforehand. It was one of those moments where you are feeling the effects of liquid courage, believe me. I have a fear of singing in public, but I'd done it and although I didn't bring the house down, it was not nearly as terrifying as I'd thought it would be.
So, when I heard my name called out, I froze. What?! There had to be a mistake! "Come on, little lady! It's your turn to wow us!" My jaw dropped, eyebrows raised and I looked at my friends with a look that said, Are you friggin' kidding me?!" There was no backing out, people were clapping and I walked up to the stage, knees knockin'. The karaoke guy was ready with "Crazy", holy shnikies. No backing out now. The guy asked for a warm country welcome and the music started. He pointed at the reader and winked at me.
Good God. Well, I love that song and knew the words, but at that moment, if the screen hadn't been in front of me with lyrics and a bouncing ball on the words to be sung in what order, I'd have bombed.
I sang sort of on key and lo and behold, as I sang people went up to the dance floor to slow dance to me singing! CRAZY~! I enjoyed it and enjoyed the applause when I finished. What a hoot! As I walked back to my seat, I heard the karaoke guy say, "It's always the shy ones who surprise us." Well, waddya know :)
No, I'm not giving up my day job of writing and I'll continue to wait for said agent to respond. I have no illusions of landing on "American Idol", but I did conquer my fear of singing in public...and, as the night wore on and more people got up to sing, I realized I wasn't the worst singer of the night :)
If you're stuck in a place where you don't know what the next thing to do is and you're afraid of doing something out of your comfort zone, may I suggest singing karaoke at a country bar? Piece of cake you say? Okay, let's up the ante. Let's have you sing a country song in a packed country bar after a country gentleman sang, "On The Pontoon" which is a real sing-along and favorite in my neck of the woods that nearly brought down the house. What do you say? Would you go on next if you'd only sung in public once in your entire life? Deal?
Well, that's exactly what happened to me on Saturday night. And, no...I didn't sign up and had no idea my friend had secretly signed me up to sing, "Crazy" by Patsy Cline. She knew I'd only every done karaoke once and I'd just finished saying that I had a fear of singing in public, no matter how friendly the crowd was. She asked me what song I would sing IF I had the chance and I answered Cline's song because I have a low voice.
The one time was when I sang backup or more to the point, I was comic relief for a girlfriend whose birthday we were celebrating at the river and only because we'd done a few tequila shots beforehand. It was one of those moments where you are feeling the effects of liquid courage, believe me. I have a fear of singing in public, but I'd done it and although I didn't bring the house down, it was not nearly as terrifying as I'd thought it would be.
So, when I heard my name called out, I froze. What?! There had to be a mistake! "Come on, little lady! It's your turn to wow us!" My jaw dropped, eyebrows raised and I looked at my friends with a look that said, Are you friggin' kidding me?!" There was no backing out, people were clapping and I walked up to the stage, knees knockin'. The karaoke guy was ready with "Crazy", holy shnikies. No backing out now. The guy asked for a warm country welcome and the music started. He pointed at the reader and winked at me.
Good God. Well, I love that song and knew the words, but at that moment, if the screen hadn't been in front of me with lyrics and a bouncing ball on the words to be sung in what order, I'd have bombed.
I sang sort of on key and lo and behold, as I sang people went up to the dance floor to slow dance to me singing! CRAZY~! I enjoyed it and enjoyed the applause when I finished. What a hoot! As I walked back to my seat, I heard the karaoke guy say, "It's always the shy ones who surprise us." Well, waddya know :)
No, I'm not giving up my day job of writing and I'll continue to wait for said agent to respond. I have no illusions of landing on "American Idol", but I did conquer my fear of singing in public...and, as the night wore on and more people got up to sing, I realized I wasn't the worst singer of the night :)
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